Log in

Bitch! You know you done fucked up, right?'s Journal [entries|friends|calendar]
Bitch! You know you done fucked up, right?

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Who says a girl can't change?? [18 Jun 2014|08:51pm]
Hello old friend. I spent hours last night reading over all my old posts.. Again. It's a pretty common thought that people cannot change.. I'd have to disagree based on my own life. The words that I previously wrote seem to be written by a complete stranger. With that being said.. It's about time I write again.

Everyone's past will come back to haunt them at some point in their life. The past few weeks my past has been trying to bite me in the ass.

First it's important for me to say that I used to be very adament that I did not and would not regret anything I'd ever done in my life. After all - I wouldn't be the person I am today had I done anything differently. That was a pretty good lie I told myself. I should have just gone around shouting YOLO (in fact there were times that I did exactly that). I didn't realize how ridiculous I sounded until I figured out that repentence doesn't happen without regret.

There are a lot of choices that I made that I wish I hadn't. When I was younger I didn't think that years down the road I would be annoyed at trying to grow thick eyebrows back because when I was younger I wanted pencil thin, perfect eyebrows. I didn't think that at almost 30 having small piercing scars and a meaningless tattoo would be a problem. That's just it.. I didn't think.. I lived impulsively. But these things really don't matter. These things will never define me.

And then there are some things that stick with you. There are choices that you've made that you will be known by or known for the rest of your life. Regardless of the person you've become there will always be some people that refuse to believe that you've changed.

That's where I am right now. In the past I would have defended myself against anyone that was going out of their way to try to torment me. I would have fought back with my words. I would have sought revenge. I would have let the negativity consume me.

Now? It's quite different. It's not a terrible thing to cut people from your life that add no value. Being consumed and overwhelmed with what people say about you is a waste of time. Revenge will solve nothing. In fact.. It's quite the opposite. The power is in prayer.

"Bless those who persecute you. Don't curse them; Pray that God will bless them." Romans 12:14

Who says a girl can't change?
just a girl

[02 Dec 2010|05:53pm]
I always go into sticky situations thinking that I can come out of them not all glued together. I'm all tangled up & I need to get out - But that doesn't necessarily mean that I WANT to get out.

I'm holding myself back with something that can never be. I'm doing what I always do - Pretending to live in a world and situation that in reality doesn't exist. I always chose situations like this because they are easy. It's easy to get into something that you know will go nowhere. You know going into it that it's already set up for failure. It's already set up to have an end. There's no way to get hurt. You already know what to expect.

It's something fun to fill the void. To fill the time. To fill the space. And then when it goes away - I move on to the next unhealthy, imaginary scenario. 

This is self-destructive behavior at it's finest and I know it. But how many times have I done this to myself?

Blah.Blah.Blah. Here I go again.
just a girl

The things I want to say.. But can't always say them. [27 Nov 2010|11:57am]
  • I'm angry for you. I'm angry at him. I wish I could say or do more - But I just don't know how to handle this. I'm so thankful to have you and that after everything we've been through you still feel like you can confide in me. I'm here for you - Anytime you need me.
  • I'm not trying to lie to you or to hide things from you. But I gotta do things for me sometime. Just trust that I'm mature enough to handle this. You are absolutely amazing and I want us both to be happy.
  • I take so much out on you when I really shouldn't. I do need more help. I do need to stop being taken advantage of. I know that you're trying but sometime I feel like you could be doing a little more.
  • I feel so weird around you anymore. So much has changed.. In both of our heads. I used to be okay with it - Until I realized that I was once again just trying to cling on to something that would never be. I hope things get back to normal really soon.
  • You've had a big impact on me. Ive been reminded what it means to be genuine and to have fun. Ive been reminded that not everyone I meet is going to be a piece of crap.
  • You are so lost and I wish there was something I could do. I used to look up to you. You used to be my role model. I try to help but nothing seems to get through to you. I have to let you make your own decisions.. I just hope that they are the right ones.
  • You have been a part of my life for a very long time and have played various different roles. I'm thankful that we never lost touch and that we can continue to have the friendship that we have.
  • You disgust me. I tried to reach out because I felt like it was the right thing to do. I didnt want there to be animosity and I hate that you can still make me feel so worthless.
  • You have a lot of stuff to figure out. You have a lot of changes to make. Youve been saying the same thing for years. When are you gunna start taking action? When are you gunna stop putting it off? You need to do this for you. Give yourself a little more credit and a lot more respect.
just a girl

Well hello LiveJournal. [27 Nov 2010|11:17am]
[ mood | blank ]

Wow. I still have a LiveJournal. I just spent the better part of an hour going through old posts.. Reliving my past. It's funny how I've come so far.. Yet at the same time I feel like I haven't changed much at all.

I was talking to a friend last night about high school. Most people will be quick to say that they are a completely different person now than they were in high school. Is it weird that I feel like I haven't changed much? I used to think that I've just known who I was for a very long time.. But when I really think about it - Maybe I'm holding myself back. Maybe I'm the same person because I don't like change.. 

The holidays are kind of rough this year. The first Christmas after my mom died - I pushed it out of my head.. I didn't deal with it. The following two years I was in a serious relationship and used it as my crutch - I pushed it out of my head again. This year things are different. I'm no longer in a relationship.. A few months ago I FINALLY dealt with my grief over losing her.. And now the holidays are here. I have amazing friends and family.. And I'm not really interested in having a relationship right now.. But there is a HUGE hole right now.. And instead of trying to fill it I think it's time to deal with it.

Everything that I thought I wanted out of life seems to have changed over the past year. I went through the worst breakup ever due to lack of maturity on both parties. I've met a lot of new people and gotten really close with some of them. Ive been exposed to situations that I knew existed but never thought would hit so close to home. I've started questioning everything that seemed so clear to me before.I don't know if I ever want to get married. I don't know if I ever want to have kids. I don't know if I want to live in this area for the rest of my life. Truth be told - I don't feel like I know much of anything now.

I'm going through the motions of life right now - But I don't feel like I'm really living the way that I want to. I know that there is more to life than working, drinking & doing whatever I can to pass the time. Ive put up a huge wall around myself. I spend so much time on other people and making sure that they are okay and happy.. That I don't save much time for myself. I'm always the first one to tell people that sometimes they need to be selfish and do what they need to do for them.. But when I try to listen to my own advice I end up feeling guilty. I need a change of pace. A new hobby. Something to look forward to.


just a girl

Never fuck with my shit or my clit.. [23 Oct 2007|02:02am]

Don't even trip..
Cause youre down to get split, BITCH!

Im indifferent.

Fuck me?
Fuck you.

1 let me be just a girl

Goodbye for now.. [08 Jan 2007|01:45am]

All I did today was think about you.

I knew that tonight was make or break..
I was worried.

There's some shows coming up..
Yours is one of them.

She wanted to listen to POD..
It made me happysad.

I came across that cd in my car..
Maybe the cd sucks..
But I thought about that song.

I heard my song on the radio..
The one I never had you listen to.

We talked about MSI..
I thought about Toledo..
I wont lie..
I had dirty thoughts.

I was on AA..
Nearly 3/4 to your house.

I looked at his MySpace page..
I had to turn the volume off..
It was Flyleaf..
And I was getting ready to go to bed..

I wanted to talk to you..
But you had to go.

What the fuck dude?
I dont understand myself.
How can I feel this way..
Yet not be able to follow through.
It's just me.
I dont mean to be this way.

And I cant tell you these things.
Not that it would affect you in any way.

Everything I touch I break.

just a girl

I'd rather feel pain.. Than nothing at all.. [30 Nov 2006|01:33am]

Back to square one.

No clue what's going on.
Where Im headed.
What Im going to do.

Its unsettling.
Everything about my life is unsettling.

But then again everyday is an adventure.


Im one fucked up chicka!

1 let me be just a girl

[10 Oct 2006|12:07am]



2 let me be just a girl

My Mommy Thinks Im a Lesbian?!? [08 Aug 2006|07:22pm]
So last night I was talking to my mom.. She made the comment that she was worried about me. I think she thinks that Im going to either.. a) spend the rest of my life alone.. b) decide that I want to be with Chad again.. OR c) turn into a lesbian.
Although spending the rest of my life alone does seem to be appealing at times none of these are the case when it comes to me and relationships.
Im not a picky person.. Not at all. I don’t need to date the next top model or the next Bill Gates. I just want someone that I connect with. Someone that is mature enough for an adult relationship. Someone that can make me feel like Im not the dominate one in the relationship.
Who am I kidding? I have NO clue what I want.
Maybe this is why I turn and run from all of my “relationships”.. Im sure it is all my fault. Or maybe Im just not dating the right people. Sometimes I wonder if some of the people that are right in front of my face are the right ones for me.. But then again.. If they were wouldn’t I be with them by now?
Im 21 years old. It seems like most of my friends can easily maintain steady relationships. In high school I was always the one with the long term boyfriend.. But now everything seems to have turned around. Maybe I started too early. Maybe I grew up to fast.
And maybe Im just too dayum independent.
1 let me be just a girl

Gwinn Island! [22 Jul 2006|04:08pm]

Gwinn Island was the fucking shit this year.
Its the shit every year.
But this year topped them all.

Im in love with the island.
Im in love with Misti.
Im in love with our new friends from Shelbyville.

Why do I have to meet boys that are the shit but live so far away?
I met a boy.
He was awesomeness.
I hope we continue to hang out.
Liz would be all smiles then.

"Can we leave the stinky cove.. I need to drink drunk drinks!"
"I dont need no stinking help."
"Im marching and it doesnt hurt."
"Mistis not just hot.. Shes BEAUTIFUL."
"Hey man.. Can I kiss your girl?"
"Shit'll buff out."
"I need to go on a lone ranger walk."
"Your sons hot."

3am skinny dipping.
Cornhole tournament.
Misti becoming a Hurtt.
Having an Elizabeth Anne and an Elisabeth Anne.
B double E double R U N.

Im kinda sad now.
I miss being there already.

just a girl

Musical Reminders.. [07 Jul 2006|02:12pm]
MxPx = Kyle .. "Move to Anderson we'll hang out.."

Alien Ant Farm - Smooth Criminal = Greg

Rehab = Sean and Derf .. "Hey Fred fuck that rehab shit.." and of course Corey.

Creed = Jeff Tolle.. I met Jeff at a block party where his band did a cover.

Anything Psychopathic = The Chad and Kyle.. I went to more shows with The Chad.. Although the first one I went to Kyle opened.

Three 6 Mafia = The apartment.. The boys.. Nate, Joey, Jerry, Princess.. The beer.. The drugs.. Oh my.

Dave Matthews Band = Quiet Kyle

(hed)pe = Kentucky

Tom Petty = The days of Don, Meat, Derick, Damon, Kim.. I miss those days.. 

Limp Bizkit (3 dolla bill ya'll era)  = The LB crew of course.. My introduction to non crappy music.

Linkin Park = The time following the final breakup with Kyle.

Evergreen Terrace = DBo

Dead by 28 = The night Misti and I met Eash and Carlie.

Manson = Daniel.. Hooker wear and cheap Kentucky Bourbon.. Blah.

Taproot = Taproot Chad.. Some guy that Ive never seen again.. But we sorta hit it off that night.

POD = The first show I went to with Sarawhore.. We met up with two guys.. Evan and someone.. Ate with the band..

Tech N9ne = The Chad.. I refused to listen to them at first.. Barbershop Quartet.. Hah.

Mindless Self Indulgence = Misti.. Whoop! Dayum we're the shit.

Beck = I really started to like Beck around the time of Quiet Kyle.

Queens of the Stone Age = Brent Cole and our trip to NYC.. Thats all we listened to on the whole drive up there.

Nonpoint = The only show I ever went to with Matt Belew.. I wonder what ever happened to him?

LIT - My Own Worst Enemy = Chad Fibburtt.. One of the MANY songs we sing while drunk.

Moby - Feeling So Real = Sarawhore.. Before we knew what was behind the whole rave scene.

Say Anything = DSteff.. "I called her on the phone and she touched herself.."

Nirvana = Nelly.. Kurt Cobain was and probably still is his idol.. Mmm he had amazing posters on his walls.

Silverchair = Cassie Burke cause she introduced me to them way back in the day.

Trapt - Stories = The Chad.. And Im finally living up to it.

.. To be continued ..
6 let me be just a girl

.RIP Uncle David. [08 Jun 2006|09:06pm]
[ mood | sad ]

Wow. You're really gone. It took up until today for it to really sink in.

I always say that I dont regret a single thing that Ive done in my life. I cant say that anymore. I regret allowing our family to carry on the way that we have over the past couple years. I regret not trying harder to keep everyone together. I regret missing out on so much of some of my families lives. I regret that Meaghan and I didnt start trying sooner. And Im sorry.

Enough of the bad.

My uncle David was truly one of the most loved men Ive ever met. He had a huge heart. The turnout that I saw tonight at his visitation was enough for anyone to see that. Grandpa would be proud of him for all the lives that he touched.

.I remember how Uncle David used to always call me Bissy.
.I remember when Uncle David used to pick us up by our heads. He'd grab on real tight by our ears and raise us in the air.
.I remember being little and thinking he was so cool because of his tattoos and piercings.
.I remember when he worked for the police station. I bragged to my friends.. "My uncle is a police officer."
.And my favorite memory of him was when I used to live on Concord. We lived in an apartment together that my grandparents owned. My family had the bottom apartment and his family had the top. One day my brother was playing with the VCR while my mom was getting a bath ready for him. I called 911 and told them that I needed help because my brother wouldnt quit messing with the VCR. Later that day.. Or maybe the next day.. I was riding my bike on the street with some of my friends. As I was passing our apartment Uncle David was standing on the front porch yelling "Bissy! C'mere!" My uncle was a big guy. If you didnt know him you probably would have had second thoughts about going anywhere near him. That day I peddled up the street as fast as I could and went behind a neighbors house and bawled my eyes out. Uncle David came and got me.. And talked to me about what had happened. After it was all said and done we both had a laugh about it.

Although I wasnt as close to him as I would have liked these past couple of years.. I know that he enjoyed his life. He loved his bike.. He loved his booze.. And he loved everyone around him.

I hope that I can live and love and enjoy my life half as much as he did.

I love you Uncle David. I'll miss you. I'll see you on the other side.

1 let me be just a girl

Crazy... No really. [05 Jun 2006|11:15pm]
[ mood | Crazy. ]

When shit is bad.. Shit is REALLY bad.

My uncle died this weekend. Heart attack at 46. 

I put a whole new meaning to the term crazy.

1 conceived or made without regard for reason or reality
2 having or showing a very abnormal or sick state of mind
3 showing or marked by a lack of good sense or judgment 
4 showing urgent desire or interest 
+5 Liz Hurtt

I have a severe emotional imbalance. 
When I should cry.. I laugh. 
When I should laugh.. I cry.
And yet I feel nothing.

I cant look people in the eye.
I cant talk to them on a serious level.
Im suddenly the best listener ever.
And when I do open my mouth.. Its bullshit.

"I cant lie to people. Thats just not how I was brought up. I feel guilty about it. You know I would never lie to you."
Eat a dick bitch.
At least I admit that I lie.
Cant beat em'.. Join em'.

Last night made life seem picture perfect.. At least for a few hours.

I got to hang out with Kentucky. 
I now have a GIANT crush on him.
I was upset that we didnt get to hang out longer.
Meh.. There will be plenty of shows for that.
And for the record.. When a guy bites his lip after kissing me.. Or well hell.. Just in general.. Im sold.

I also saw Greg and Shel.
I didnt talk with Shel as long as I had wanted.
But hey.. I blame it on the beer.
And seeing Greg was pleasant.. as always.

But more importantly..
(hed) mother fucking pe.
The show was amazing as always.
And Jahred and I definately shared a toast together right before they took the stage.
I rock.. And I fucking know it.

Wheres the rewind button?
I wouldnt mind replaying that night for the rest of my life.

Back to Reality.
Fuck off.

just a girl

360* [02 Jun 2006|08:55pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I dont know if its healthy that my life seems to make a 360* twist everytime I turn around.

It's hard to keep up with.. But I guess it keeps me on my toes.

Life is a challenge.. I think I like it that way.. But then again it is a lot of work.
Who knows?

So its been awhile since Ive talked to Chad. That whole situation is weird. I finally realized that Im no longer in love with the guy that for so long I thought I would end up being with for.. well.. ever. There was a long period of time that I wasnt in love with him.. Instead I was in love with the way that things used to be.. In love with the familiarity. I dont always adjust well to change.

My life seems to be too entertwined with those around me. I rarely ever meet people that someone doesnt already know or already have a past with. I blame this on myself.. Its my fault that I dont get out there and do more things and meet new people.

I kinda want a second job. I dont do anything at night anyway aside from sitting online for hours while drinking beer alone. Sad huh? I could use the extra money.. And experience in a different work environment too.

Ive been thinking a lot lately.. Just about life.. Where Im going.. What my goals are.. Who I am. Its sad that I still dont know the answers. I was so sure that by 21 I would have figured myself out.. Now that Im 21 Im beginning to wonder if Ill ever figure myself out.


Im hopeless.

just a girl

It Is What It Is.. [28 May 2006|04:37am]
[ mood | awake ]

So my day was weird to say the least.

A lot of unsettled/unappealing plans.
A lot of uneasiness.
A lot of overanalyzing.

It all went by so fast.. Yet so slow.

But the night ended well.
Alls well that ends well.
So I hear.

Theres a lot of things I want to say.
But I dont know how to.
Or if I even should.

It is what it is.
And thats how I like it.

1 let me be just a girl

Case of the Mondays.. [22 May 2006|08:55pm]
[ mood | content ]

Durr.. Mondays are lame.

Ive been going out of my way to get things to go my way.. And guess what? IT'S NOT WORKING! And for some reason.. That makes me want to try even harder. Doh!

Ive decided to be more responsible.. So I bailed on a few of the shows I had originally planned on going to. I'll save money.. Save my sanity.. And save miles on my car.

I rock.

just a girl

It's Friday.. However there is no Friday dance. [19 May 2006|04:19pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Im already starting to think negatively.. But it's cool. It will wear off after I get out of my newest funk that was caused by last night and this morning. And if not.. And things dont turn out right.. Then I guess I can just say that shit happens.

The new medicine that Im on makes me SUPER anxious.. That probably isnt really helping right now either.. I cant wait until the side effects start to wear off.

Everything SEEMS to be going okay.. That is outside of the crazy ideas that my mind thinks up. So I guess I can say that all is well.. For the time being.

Im not so optomistic today.

Im going to work my ass off tonight.. Hope for the best.. And be excited about not having any plans tonight and seeing where the night takes me.


2 let me be just a girl

Live.Love.Learn. [13 May 2006|03:13pm]
I feel like Ive gotten a lot resolved in just a few days.

I talked to Misti and I feel like we can be real with each other now. No more lies.. No holding back. Shes my down ass bitch and I wouldnt change that for the world.

I finally made a doctors appointment.. That took a lot of weight off my shoulders.. I feel like I can breathe now.. I know its a shitty crutch to lean on.. But I need a crutch right now.. Its not going to be permanent.

I havent been talking to Chad. Yeahness. I have a new sense of strength suddenly. I think its coming from my boys. I have them back.. And they've worked shit out.

And Ive been talking to Kyle again lately.. We've hung out twice now and its good to see him. I dont know what happened.. Or whats happening.. Or what I want to happen.. But its not something Im concerned about. I enjoy his company. But this time Im not going to let shit go sour so easily.. Hopefully not at all.

I have a smile on my face and I think its genuine.

just a girl

It's time to move on. [04 May 2006|06:53pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Bonfire.. Self control.. A long silent goodbye.

just a girl

I dont like the drugs.. But the drugs like me. [29 Apr 2006|11:14pm]
Step One: Stop feeling sorry for myself.
Step Two: Go to the fucking doctor.
Step Three: Work my ass off.
Step Four: Try to do the "right" thing.
Step Five: Quit pushing certain people away.
Step Six: Get rid of those people who are weighing me down.

Everything else should come together if I can manage all that. Maybe not in that order.. But one thing should lead to another..

And in between all of this.. Shows.. Shows.. SHOWS!

Must have music to produce happy chemicals in the brain.

Im feeling strangely optomistic.

P.S. - Im one strong willed bitch. Sometimes.
just a girl

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]