Bitch! You know you done fucked up, right? (hardcorehedbtch) wrote,
Bitch! You know you done fucked up, right?

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Well hello LiveJournal.

Wow. I still have a LiveJournal. I just spent the better part of an hour going through old posts.. Reliving my past. It's funny how I've come so far.. Yet at the same time I feel like I haven't changed much at all.

I was talking to a friend last night about high school. Most people will be quick to say that they are a completely different person now than they were in high school. Is it weird that I feel like I haven't changed much? I used to think that I've just known who I was for a very long time.. But when I really think about it - Maybe I'm holding myself back. Maybe I'm the same person because I don't like change.. 

The holidays are kind of rough this year. The first Christmas after my mom died - I pushed it out of my head.. I didn't deal with it. The following two years I was in a serious relationship and used it as my crutch - I pushed it out of my head again. This year things are different. I'm no longer in a relationship.. A few months ago I FINALLY dealt with my grief over losing her.. And now the holidays are here. I have amazing friends and family.. And I'm not really interested in having a relationship right now.. But there is a HUGE hole right now.. And instead of trying to fill it I think it's time to deal with it.

Everything that I thought I wanted out of life seems to have changed over the past year. I went through the worst breakup ever due to lack of maturity on both parties. I've met a lot of new people and gotten really close with some of them. Ive been exposed to situations that I knew existed but never thought would hit so close to home. I've started questioning everything that seemed so clear to me before.I don't know if I ever want to get married. I don't know if I ever want to have kids. I don't know if I want to live in this area for the rest of my life. Truth be told - I don't feel like I know much of anything now.

I'm going through the motions of life right now - But I don't feel like I'm really living the way that I want to. I know that there is more to life than working, drinking & doing whatever I can to pass the time. Ive put up a huge wall around myself. I spend so much time on other people and making sure that they are okay and happy.. That I don't save much time for myself. I'm always the first one to tell people that sometimes they need to be selfish and do what they need to do for them.. But when I try to listen to my own advice I end up feeling guilty. I need a change of pace. A new hobby. Something to look forward to.

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